did you really just ask me for that?

July 10, 2010

Dear General Public That May Not Frequent Bars, Pubs, Grilles, Taverns, Nightclubs, Taprooms, Watering Holes, Gin Mills, Dives, Cantinas, Bodegas, Speakeasies or Anywhere Serving Alcohol (henceforth referred to as “establishment”);

When entering an establishment that you are unfamiliar with, please be aware of your surroundings.  Look around, note how many other patrons have chosen the same fine establishment as you that evening and take inventory as to how busy the staff appears to be.

At this point, proceed into the establishment; feel free to even make yourself comfortable at the bar if that is your desired destination.  A good bartender will acknowledge your presence if unable to be of immediate assistance, typically letting you know they will “be right with you”.

When the moment of ordering arrives, keep in mind that there are others around you that may be interested in quenching their thirst as well.  Don’t dawdle; know what you want and be prepared to communicate it clearly.

All of this taken into consideration, if your request is for fifteen waters, know that your bartender may present to you a pitcher of water and a stack of plastic cups… while vividly imagining themselves dumping the whole fucking thing over your head and tell you to go to hell.

Tipping might also prevent the bartender from etching your face into their brain, allowing them to recall with amazing detail to a sketch artist every characteristic of your appearance and plastering the surrounding establishments with your mug, thusly ensuring your inability to ever receive good service in the area.

With genuine and sincere thanks;

All Bartenders of the World.

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